Sean’s Personal Blog

Time to make some removals and additions… July 7, 2008

Posted by Sean in Friends, My thoughts.
Tags: changes, Friends, life, okie-vegas, poker
2 comments

This weekend was a eye opening experience for me.  I found out which people have kept me on speed dial for money, for tickets and to just be there for me.  I found the best of who my friends are and I found the worst of friends.

I’ve been waiting for certain things to happen in my life and they are going very, very slow. 

I’ve not been a patient person, but have rediscovered my patience recently.

There are certain things that I see that disturb me and yet I knew that they would happen. You see in every organization, every country and every culture there is a point where the weak fall away and the strong survive.  In the groups that I have been associated with, the strong have thrived while the weak fall away never to be seen again.  We should just move on and not dwell on the past.  We should remember the past so we aren’t the one that is buried along with old hatred and old prejudices.  I’ve seen the people who I think are weak and who have threatened me and my life have been pruned by the karma of life.  Their evil deeds have caught up with them.

A person, that I don’t call a friend but someone I know, asked me for money to cover a major mistake that he made. I quietly said no.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I wanted to help him out because that’s who I am.  But I’ve helped before and I recognized that the pittance that he was asking for would not stop him from his abuse.  I asked him to get help, I begged him to go back to his family and start over.  But it wasn’t meant to be.  I saw him this weekend and the shell of a man that is left is something that I can not help.  It is beyond repair. 

I’m the fixer. But there are some things that are beyond repair.

I put his number on the “Don’t Answer unless you want to deal with tragedy” list. Yes there is a list, almost as bad as the list of people who I don’t even put their name on my phone anymore.

I’ve discovered that the things I put aside when I was in college are things that I enjoy doing as well as radio. I’m going to do more reading in the finance area and try to make a sample portfolio when I get back from Okie-Vegas.

Yup, I am still going to Okie-Vegas, because I need to not only catch up with some good friends but explore more of me during the ride up.  I think the greatest thing in the world is speech recognition software and a bluetooth headset.  For if I feel like it, I can continue writing on the book as I am driving. I can get my thoughts out and down on paper.

I’ve also talked late into the night with friends who call just to tell me that they are thinking about me. It feels good to be remembered.

I’ve been hiding from the usual clicks that I used to be out with, for I need to be me and not their comedic sidekick. 

I’ve always continue to examine and re-examine my life.  To some its redundant, to me it’s healthy.  I am trying not to make the same mistake twice and advance my thinking to at least 7 levels deep.  In some events I am barely one level deep. But in other events, I consider the changes I have made to be powerful and amazing.

Okie-Vegas is almost here and I just can’t wait. It will fill all the needs that I have.  I have had a hole in my heart. Maybe visiting the family and then the crew at Okie-Vegas will fill those needs.  I’ve never been out on a lake other than in a small fishing boat with my ex-father-in-law. 

The big boss is back in town and he’s making me laugh.  Also my boss has me laughing due to the concept that he tought that I would be off today, even though I wasn’t supposed to take a day off near a holiday “Can’t have you being a cancer to the organization.”

Now I won’t be posting every day to this blog. It’s not meant to be a daily discussion of my life, like my previous attempt was.  This will be an examination of who I am and the changes that I make to making myself a better person.  I’m taking more chances, doing things that I would never have done before and they are all paying off in spades.

In working at the track this year I found out who were using me for who I am and who wanted to truly be my friend.  The concept of waiting to find someone to find me is over. I gave it a chance and it just doesn’t work for me.  I’m going to put myself out there and see what happens.  I am a nice guy and I will find someone who doesn’t want me just for sex, for what I can get them or for anything else than who I am in my heart. Right now my heart is broke and hurting.

Because this fourth of July was the first that I didn’t have the kids.  It was very saddening for me.  I wanted so bad to hold them once again, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I tried calling someone about Shelby but as always, I didn’t get a call back.  I stayed out late at night, just watching the fireworks and looking at the sky, looking for the shooting star that I could wish on, for that chance at redemption.  We all look for redemption, we look for people to have and give us value.  I just look forward to the future of my kids.

Shelby is growing so much and I can see the sparkle in her voice when we talk, however Ryan is like his grandfather who avoids the phone at all costs. I will see them soon, even if its just in December.  Time has a new meaning to me.  I can examine time as a precious gift or I can examine it as something that ,like many things in this world, is wasted.  I hope not to waste any more of my life.  I have things to do, goals to achieve, life to live.

Special Thanks to The Wife, GCox and Surflexus for their holiday calls and wishes.  I wish I was more talkative but I am looking around for the bear traps that aren’t in the stock market.

This weekend I made removals and additions in my soul.  The dead parts were let go, to be free and to die on their own and the ones who power me, the parts that are the strength of me will flourish.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.